This is an email I received from a sweet wife that I think really showcases a classic misunderstanding between husbands and wives. So, with her permission, I’m going to share her email and then think about some possible respectful and husband-honoring, Christ-honoring ways to tackle this issue. I’m REALLY thankful that she brought up this topic. It’s actually the 2nd wife in one week who has had this dilemma who has emailed me. I hope the ladies might pay close attention to the little red flags in her email. See if you notice the areas where she ventured into disrespect (and also into some other possible pitfalls – like judgment, condemnation, pride) before you read what I wrote. My perspective is certainly not the only respectful way to handle things – but it may give wives a starting place to begin praying and thinking about how God might want them to change.
Little bit of background: my husband has kinda forgotten about special days in the past. He usually doesn’t plan my birthday gifts and holiday gifts very well. If he does, it is usually last minute. I have gotten very upset about this in the past and hurt because my birthdays and our anniversaries are dates that I want to feel loved and special (like most girls) but like most guys, he doesn’t put much thought or planning into these days. He has an hour commute to and from work and I’ve suggested in the past that he takes at least 1 minute of his commute time to think or plan for us, but he hasn’t taken my suggestion.
So present day problem: Today is our 3 year anniversary. The past few days I have been worried he hasn’t thought much about it. This morning, I woke up and tell myself to not be too upset if he has forgot. I don’t want to set him up and pretend I forgot too, so I lean over and say “Happy anniversary” then I ask him if he remembered (probably this is where I first went wrong???) Or maybe I shouldn’t have said happy anniversary at all (this is where I’m getting stuck)
He said, “Yes,” he forgot but he told me that he told a customer yesterday about our anniversary so he really didn’t completely forget. I said, “It’s ok” and got up to start getting ready. (He could tell I was upset even though I was trying to hide it – maybe I went wrong there too and should not have tried to hide my feelings but I did not want to put him down and make him feel like a failure). He asked, “What’s wrong?” I said I was ok. Then he asked why I got up out of bed like that and I said, “Sorry I got up like that, but I needed to get ready.”
He then started saying that is was first thing in the morning and of course he’s not thinking about that when he’s half asleep. Then the argument broke out
(I heard him as making excuses and started to defend my point)!!!!
He brought up how hard he works and how burnt out he is. I said, “I wanted to feel special” by having him make plans for us and I always worry he will forget since he has in past. Things got blown up and I started crying. I tried to tell him I was hurt and didn’t intend for things to go down like that but it took him a few minutes to stop being angry before he could comfort me.
We apologized and are ok now but I have no clue how to handle this when it happens again. Which it will – he is human and it is kinda his nature.
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