Romantic love can lead many people to be a tad obsessive, wanting to spend every hour of the day together. However, submerging yourself in this way can soon turn into an all-consuming preoccupation. If you become overly attached emotionally, it's not hard to start assuming that the man or woman with whom you're in love shares the same feelings and desires. Often, this is simply not the case and it can be frightening for your partner to find that your deep feelings have turned obsessive. To avoid pushing the man or woman of your dreams away from you, rein in the fixation to restore your relationship's balance.
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Spot your obsessiveness. Obsessive behavior in the romantic context tends to involve being constantly preoccupied with the loved one, wanting to be with him or her all hours of the day and contriving it so that you actually are together as much as possible. Romantic obsession can lead you to presume the person you love needs you as much, causing you to inject yourself into every part of his or her life, whether it be family, home, work, and so on, offering unasked for advice, support and remodeling even though there's no indication any of this is useful or wanted. In some cases, obsession is the flip side of jealousy, in which case you wish you had similar characteristics to the person you love and in some way you're trying to adopt his or her character for yourself by being constantly present.
Check your feelings. You may find yourself quite exhausted, wrung out emotionally and very intense whenever you spend time together, because you're too preoccupied by concentrating on the two of you without taking a break. You might be more focused on quantity of time rather than quality, even though this often feels aimless.
- It's a fairly common tendency to become obsessive at the beginning of a relationship. It's new, it's exciting and this person is endlessly fascinating to you. By realizing that you're not the first person to feel this way, you can let go of guilt and concentrate instead on dealing with it in a healthy way. Perhaps your obsession has roots in feelings of insecurity and fear, or it could simply be about being totally amazed by how wonderful this person in your life is. Whatever the reason, you can tame it!
- Ask yourself why you feel you need to mesh so completely with another person––perhaps you can answer this alone by simply working through the reasons and questioning them. But if not, don't be afraid to seek counseling if you think that could help you overcome your obsessive tendency.
As soon as you've recognized that you're feeling obsessed toward your partner, put the brakes on and slow right down. This doesn't mean not seeing each other at all but it does mean reintroducing a more balanced routine into your relationship. Find ways to shorten time spent together while increasing the quality of such time.
Keep your hobbies and friends. The key to a healthy relationship is balance, rather than hanging out together closely every possible moment. Couples need time apart to reestablish their individual identities; moreover, time spent apart helps to define the boundaries of who you are outside of your relationship in your partner's eyes too. Remind yourself of who you are by reconnecting with friends and relatives, or picking up those old hobbies you've been setting aside. Suggest that your partner do the same. This is a simple way to show him or her that you're confident and interesting (even if you don't feel that way for now). Suggest that your partner goes out with his or her friends while you visit with yours. Or even suggest he or she work on his hobby or interest while you take time for yours, separately.
Take time for yourself. Visit friends, family, take a class, anything you find interesting or would like to learn. Do this even if you have to tear yourself away from your beloved. He or she should be supportive of you, and encourage your interests, too. In fact, this is a good indicator of whether or not your partner can handle separation and being left to his or her own devices––if not, it could be a warning sign to you that your partner is overly attached or has co-dependent tendencies. Focusing only on the one you love isn't living your own life to the fullest. By taking time for yourself, you make room for personal growth and new experiences, as well as staying well-rounded. It isn't selfish––it's the opposite because it shows trust in your partner and establishes expectations that both of you will operate as individuals as well as a couple. And, if you aren't the best person you can be, then you can't expect to be the person you need to be for your significant other. Having your own experiences will only improve your relationship by giving you more to talk about.
Reaffirm who you are and why you are special as an individual. Do those things that you do best. If you're not sure what that is yet, then try everything. If you're feeling less than confident, or insecure in your relationship, sometimes it helps to go back to something that created a sense of accomplishment. Don't look for confidence from your partner––instead, find it within yourself. To do this, seek out those things at which you can succeed and receive recognition for outside of your coupledom.
Practice detachment. You don't own the person you love, just as he or she doesn't own you. Yet, obsession is a little like trying to own a person and once you feel this way, it's easy to presume that this person can't possibly thrive without your input or support, even though this assumption is totally in your own head. Practicing detachment can teach you to let go without feeling afraid that you'll lose this person. Set aside this worry and have faith that it's okay to step back and stop trying to solve everything for your beloved––you can store your energies for when you really are called upon to be strong for him or her.
Give your beloved space. If he or she wants to hang out with friends, encourage it––you're not joined at the hip. Let your partner know that you want him or her to have a good time and to spend as much time with friends as liked. If you have to, fake your enthusiasm and put on a brave face. There will be times when you'd really rather spend that time with your beloved than seeing him or her out with friends; however, forcing your partner to spend time with you usually results in further pulling away, mostly out of fear that you'll insist on this state of affairs eternally and he or she won't ever be able to spend time with friends. If you're able to encourage and support your beloved's time away, it will reinforce his or her belief that you want what is best for him or her, which strengthens your relationship.
Suggest your partner take time for his or her hobbies and interests. The key to longevity in any relationship is to make it clear that you're neither threatened nor resentful about your partner's distinct interests. By encouraging your partner to pursue his or her interests, you will strengthen your togetherness. And by assuring him or her that you love spending time together while making it clear that his or her hobbies and interests are also important, you remove the guilt trip. It's even more helpful if you clarify that you can––and will––find enjoyable things to occupy your time when apart, freeing him or her up to enjoy the time spent apart. Just be sure that you don't say one thing but show you really mean something else; that's manipulative manipulate and will result in resentment.
Bond by doing things your partner enjoys. By showing a willingness to be interested in his or her endeavors beyond your own interests, you establish that you aren't obsessive about forcing your partner to "join only your clubs" and that you're not jealous of his or her interests. While you don't have to continue participating directly in your partner's interests, displaying an initial interest and making it clear that you respect his or her choice will go a long way to proving that you can handle any differences between the two of you and that you won't turn alternative interests into a guilt-trip. It might be as simple as helping him or her to find a place, a club, an item or a book––whatever the interest is––to get things started. Then, give him or her the space to enjoy the interests without being crowded by you.
Know when to back off. Learn a little body language so that you can note when he or she is feeling a bit crowded or cheesed off about spending too much time together. Indicators might include turning away from you, not making eye contact and refusing to cuddle or touch as usual. Verbally, you may hear sighs, mumbling or sounds of derision when you suggest spending time together on that occasion. Don't presume the worst but equally, don't ignore the signs––ask what's wrong and be very open to hearing the answer. Listen attentively to what your partner explains and listen also for what's not said. It should be fairly clear to you that this is an issue about wanting more space and rather than feeling threatened, try to respond with openness and a willingness to find solutions.
- Don't probe too deeply––ask a few questions but not so many as to be invasive and cause your partner to not respond at all.
- Listen to what your gut instinct is telling you. Most times, it'll be plain as day that the excessive time spent together is at the core of the discontentment. Don't play coy or naive; facing the matter is much fairer on both of you.
- If you feel your partner is pulling away, don't force yourself on him or her more. It may be tempting to cling even more but you'll need to resist this response. Let go and have faith in the one you love.
Set up days or times to reconnect after spending time apart. This is simple and very effective. After asking for time apart, set up a time and day to reconnect. For instance, if one of you wants to hang out with friends for the day, suggest that you meet up later for dinner. Or, suggest a time the following day, and an activity, in which the both of you could get together. This gives both people in the relationship permission to enjoy their time apart, while also giving each of you a grounding point, or rather a reassurance in knowing you will see the other person and they wish to see you.
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